No news is good news...WRONG

Just because you don't have rejections piling up in your inbox or mailbox, doesn't mean that there isn't a literary agent out there, somewhere, working diligently on your rejection letter. Here's a new one:

Thank you for giving me an opportunity to review your query. My client list is currently quite full, however, and I am therefore taking on very few new writers.
I wish you the best of luck in finding representation elsewhere.


Yours,

Mr. Iam Rejectingyou

I like the "my client list is too full" angle. It's like saying "God, there is nothing more I would rather do than take you on, but I just can't. Darn my bad luck!"

Speaking of luck...have you ever wanted to e-mail a literary agent back and write "Thanks for the well wishes, I clearly need ALL THE LUCK I CAN GET"? Just me? That's cool.

Short

This one was nice because it didn't waste my time apologizing. I understand that you feel bad, but probably not as bad as I feel, so no need to wax poetic.

Thank you for the look, but this is not for me.

Short Agent

On a side note, this one seemed more personal, as odd as that sounds. I can't imagine someone making their form letter a one-liner, so it leads me to believe that Short Agent read my query and took an entire ten seconds to write something.

Personally, I'm looking forward to getting the response that says, simply, FAIL.

Less than enthusiastic

Enthusiasm is key in representing someone, at least for this agent.

Dear QOR:

Thanks for your query. As to your material I'm afraid I must pass -- I'm just not enthusiastic enough about the premise of your story to feel that I'd be the right agent for the project. Our agency represents a very full list of fiction writers and we must be highly selective in adding to it. I realize it is difficult to judge your potential from a query; nevertheless please know that I give serious attention to every letter, outline, and writing sample I receive. Sorry I couldn't give you a more positive reply. Thanks for thinking of me, though, and best of luck in your search for representation elsewhere.

Sincerely,
Not Enthused

This one was a little rough...kind of lengthy. A simple "no" would have sufficed. I think this translates to "Your plot bores me to tears. Thank you for wasting the whole five minutes it took me to read your junk."

Double whammy

Apparently, it takes two people to write a rejection letter. Some people might look at this as two more people who live on this planet and happen to hate them, but I'd rather view it as a growing fan base.

Dear Author:
Thank you so much for sending the *Twoofus* Agency your query. We’d like to apologize for the impersonal nature of this standard rejection letter. Rest assured that we do read every query letter carefully and, unfortunately, this project is not right for us. Because this business is so subjective and opinions vary widely, we recommend that you pursue other agents. After all, it just takes one "yes" to find the right match.

Good luck with all your publishing endeavors.

Sincerely,
Agent 1
Agent 2

I do have to say that the part about the "one yes" was kind of inspiring. My Mom said yes -- does that count?

P.S. Please note that the letter was addressed to "Author." I am nameless.

Hope -- and not the Barack Obama kind

This one came through 24 hours after the initial send. Props go out to this agent for working on a Sunday.

Dear QOR,
I want to thank you for considering *Youhavebeenrejected* Agency as a possible fit to represent your work. At this time we are extremely selective with the materials we are acquiring. Based on your initial pitch, I do not believe that we are the right agency to represent your work. I do appreciate you thinking of us as an agency, however, and I hope that you continue seeking agents that are a good fit for your work. I wish you all of the best in your publishing endeavors.

Kind regards,
Hopeful Agent

Just out of morbid curiosity...why so hopeful? Is this their way of perking me up? It's hard to feel hopeful in the face of rejection, but thanks for trying!

Fastest rejection in the history of the world.

This past Saturday, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to query a fat handful of agents about my recently completed manuscript. Within minutes, I had received my first e-rejection. Srsly? That was fast.

Now, in this agents defense, she was really nice.

Here it is, in all its glory: The Fastest Rejection In The History Of The World!

Dear QOR,

Thank you so much for your query. Unfortunately, this doesn’t sound right for me. I encourage you to continue to submit elsewhere, and I wish you every success in your writing career. Thanks again for thinking of me.

Cordially,
Agent

Welcome! Let's cry together.

I'm not a particularly Emo type of person, but there's something magical about rejection letters.

I sent off my first query on April 25 and I'm patiently waiting for the crippling rejections that are heading my way. I feel great about my manuscript, but I don't expect anyone else to. Weighing in at 130,000 words and covering nearly every genre in the history of fiction, I have a feeling that my baby has a face that only a mother could love.

Regardless, I wrote this bad boy and I've decided to try my hand at helping it see the light of day. What's the worst that could happen? (Please don't answer that.)

The purpose of my blog is to show you that EVERYONE gets rejected. We can laugh and cry together right here on the blog, then we can go back to our respective homes and sob into the crinkled stack of rejection letters that we keep by our bed.

I will post each and every rejection letter I receive here so you can live vicariously through my disappointment. On the off chance that someone expresses interest in my book, I'll keep you appraised on that as well -- but let's not hold our breath, okay?

Each letter will be addressed to QOR, mostly because I don't want you to know my name. I will never post the agents name at the bottom either, because this isn't a critique of them. They're just doing their jobs and I respect that.

Although that may not stop me from making my own personal comments. :)

Sit back, relax, and enjoy my misery. Feel free to send me your rejections. After all -- misery loves company.